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I created this blog as a resource and perhaps a sort of refuge for those interested in psychopharmacology, sedative/hypnotic use disorder, addiction/psychiatry, and for any parties interested in a “citizen scientist” -- patient-informed lens on a decades-long journey toward becoming benzodiazepine-free. My name is Alexej, and I am an artist, writer, and academic with a graduate and professional background in mathematics, linguistics, and sociology, and a keen interest in psychiatry, neurology, and pharmacology, stemming from firsthand experience as a psych patient. I have been in psychiatric care since the age of 7 in some form or another. I am currently 36 years old and reside in Kansas and the NYC Metro. My journey has taken me to nearly every corner of the US. It has involved lucid catatonia, Clozaril and abrupt clozaril cessation, neutropenia, psychosis, delirium, months of sleep deprivation, acute withdrawals, polypharmacy, autoimmune disorders, autonomic dysfunction, and a permanent Tourette-like disorder due to an overly rapid benzo taper done against my will. Psychiatry often feels political.

This blog will serve as a space for reflection, introspection/growth, information, and (maybe) some community. Nothing I write or post here is a substitute for medical advice, as I do not have your medical context, nor do I have a license to practice (nor have I been to medical school). I want to point out that the title of this blog is taken from the Deadboy and the Elephantman song “No Rainbow” which ends with the refrain “when the rain stops, there will be no rainbow”, which is true, but I also believe it is true that when the rain stops, there “will still be a rainbow” and that for whatever the upshot life and all forms of health and recovery are worth the gamble and well worth the effort. That song was an anthem for me in a residential facility in Boulder, Colorado, when I was a teenager—along with a few extraordinarily meaningful friendships, supportive confidants, family, professionals, and the endless realm that is creativity, it served to save my life in every conceivable way.

I will aim to provide relatively real-time accounts as I slowly get off benzos (started at 6 mg of clonazepam daily) for almost 20 years and am currently at 3.25 mg daily through an exceedingly slow taper reduction strategy at a research-based addiction clinic under the supervision of an addiction psychiatrist whom I adore and who has helped me so much. This taper started in March of 2024 and is ongoing as of today. Further, this blog will present supplementary material: interviews, data, studies, information, diary-like entries, and other relevant materials. I am so happy you are here, and I would be honored to walk with you, even in a small and, yes, literally and figuratively, “remote” way. :)

Here is to health, kindness, peace, and love <3

~ Alexej